I haven’t been able to read in months. My ability to make sense of marks on pages is failing. I’ve tried audiobooks, I’ve tried books by my favorite authors, and I’ll read one line or as far as one page and without pausing to think, I see myself grabbing my phone and open the pink app, refreshing the page like a slot machine where my only prize is another item to purchase. My eyes tire from the blue light and the hasty entertainment in the form of brusque video and incessant interactions with strangers, but my soul can’t handle any more depth than a new recipe, or a designer shoe, hydrating skin care emollient. I can’t allow an author, a character, to remind me of my grief, my broken heart to prevent the inevitable drowning.
I don’t gravitate towards the section with brief lines. There is nothing more satisfying than a chunky book with a lengthy plot and interwoven characters with back stories, side quests and big arguments, tragedies and laughter. I realize while I love that, in reality, I am rewatching a television series because I already know what’s going to happen. I’ve already been through the sadness so my heart is prepared. But as a lifelong reader, it’s difficult for me to go weeks without reading.
I cannot listen to another character, after I’ve learned about her mother, her sister, her bedroom dresser where she places her necklaces next to her half full bottles of perfume, or the way she fries her chicken, fall in love, I can only take brief, heart wrenching phrases racing to the conclusion. If there is death, let it be quick.
So I went to the store to pick up Time is a Mother by Ocean Vuong because I loved On Earth We Are Briefly Gorgeous. Next to it sat Homie by Danez Smith. It was bright and lime and had been in my Amazon cart for a year so I grabbed that too. I love reading books with no expectations, and it opened with a honoring of Black people, from celebrities to the man that opens the door for them as presidents. I was hooked. The book continued to describe a time a person got jumped, how words feel in their mouths. On first girlfriends and love-hate relationships with strangers.
I’m reading again, thanks to poets.
Here’s what I’m reading:
Emma,
I love your writing. Thanks for sharing. Right now I am reading:
The Making of a Biblical Woman - How the Subjunction of Women Became a Gospel Truth
Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself
Thanks for sharing your reads with us. Keep writing it is awesome